180 degrees

Current Mood : Elated
Current Music : Rita Mitsouko - C'est Comme Ça (on "repeat")

Ok yeah, it's been that long. But whatever, no one seems to know this
blog even exists despite having mentioned it to a number of people
before.

So, what happened throughout this period ? A LOT of things. I'll try my
best to sum it up as much as humanly possible.

For what seemed like an eternity but was in reality about a month or so,
I have been feeling increasingly depressed (wow, big surprize there) to
a point where I felt I really should see a doctor. An old friend of mine
recommended I call a doctor that helped her out tremendously.
Apparently, he's been keeping busy doing just that for half the planet.
A call to his office turned out an available place only in february. I
called before mid-december.

Never mind that since my condition required immediate care. Obviously,
that only helped me feel even worse.

Things went berzerk at work for me : after talking to my
less-than-a-month-in-his-team coach ( to which I never even get a "
welcome to the team " handshake ) and proceeded to confide to him my
lack of interest in one of my calls we just reviewed because, let's be
honest, I was absolutely and utterly depressed, he thought appropriate
to make things a whole lot more interesting by shoving a 5-day
suspension down my throat for quickly finishing an e-mail while the
arrogant client was on hold - which 3/4 of the floor does anyway but
*I* ended up being caught. Of course. *Rolls eyes*

So only 3 weeks paid for a month. I couldn't pay rent. Thankfully my
parents live downstairs and own the duplex so I was able to get a break
and managed to breathe a bit easier in the process.

Spent 2 weeks ( suspensed week + one week vacation ) doing absolutely
sweet fuck all. My day consisted of getting up early - around 4pm -
ass-scratching, eating, balls-scratching, playing Prince of Persia : The
Two Thrones ( more on that later ) and heading to my friend Stéphane*
for our daily ganja intake, play Halo, watch movies or what the english
like to call " the telly ".

My weekends consisted of getting as drunk or stoned as humanly possible
with the help of my dear friend Annick ( read more about her below ).

Then, yet again, life throws a fucking curveball right in your family
jewels and manages to laugh it up an inch away from your distorted face
as your hang on to your privates for dear life.

The revelation came in the form of an alcohol and " other substances
"-fueled weekend last week where I was invited to crash at Annick's
place to...well...sober up I guess. But contrary to usual, something
else happened : exhausted and equally depressed, she managed to spill
all her collected marbles and shed an unending stream of sorrow and pain
filled tears, constantly repeating " I'm so fucking sad. I hurt so much
inside. "

I looked at her in disbelief. I though she was the strongest of both but
it seems looks can be deceiving.

Since december 18th, I have spent every night sleeping at her place,
hugging, kissing and being as affectionate as much as she allowed me to
be...as much as she needed it. Text messages are exchanged all day
sharing how we miss each other when we part.

And you know what ? As I re-read below about that whole freaking out
thing about her a few months ago, I forced myself to see her as a good
friend and that's it. And I did. And I'm damn proud of that because I
never thought I'd see through my emotions and just be friends with
someone I fell in love first. But I did. It was heart-wrenching but I
motherfucking did it.

After that little chubby bastard Cupid had its laughs, he pitied me
enough to let me have what I faught so hard to emotionally detach myself
from.

As I write these words, coming back from her apartment, I feel elated,
the grim blackness that shrouds me on a daily basis strangely lit
exposing colors I have not seen in months, perhaps years. Some I never
knew existed. Life isn't in different shades of grey anymore. The best
part is that very same emotional distance I mentioned earlier. I am
incredibly close to her but I'm surprizingly level-headed for once in my
life, not prone to emotional outlash and declarations of love.

And thank God. I am certain the last thing she needs in her life right
now is a complicated and demanding relationship. I seem to be playing my
cards right because she genuinely seems to love my ever-growing presence
in her life. I have made it my own personal mission to disturb her life
as little as possible, trying to prevent her from cancelling client
appointments ( she's an incredibly talented clothing designer and I'm
not just saying that ) or rescheduling because of me.

But she keeps reinviting me to sleep over her place nonetheless. I
haven't slept in my own bed in 10 days...and enjoying every minute of
it.

Saying I am happy would be a bit much but this definitely shows me there
is more to life than just being miserable and broke.

And if I'm able to make her feel this way too, all this effort will be
worthwhile...

* : for all you non-french peeps out there, Stéphane is the french
equivalent of Stephen or Sreven, if you will.

posted by Your humble servant @ 3:53 PM 1 comments