Current Mood : 50% sad - 50% pissed
Current Music : David Carretta - Machines Walk

I guess the whole point of writing a blog is to have the ability to
transmit ideas and comments as you would any genuine spoken
conversation. Therefore, blogs are most often than enough tainted with
feelings of love, hate, dissapointment, enthusiasm, happiness and
sadness. I guess that's what makes blogs so interesting : a brief peek
into someone's mind and soul, outside the bland, neutral flood of media
out there.

Blogs don't aim to please or require the necessity to amass higher
ratings to justify its existence. They just are, no questions asked.
Like a conversation.

I'm writing all this because of the emotional state I'm in and how it'll
affect what you'll read below. Emotions do go beyond words so I'll try
to explain as accurately as possible.

So emotionally, I require a lot of affection I'm seriously not getting
right now. The whole thing with this other girl sort of went to shit
last weekend. In a pretty darn small nutshell : girl says is fucked up
in the head so no boyfriend possible now, boy despairs when girl pushed
boy away, girl sort of agrees to see him but no serious relationship is
in order right now. Boy agrees, explains " better off affection without
love than no affection at all ". Girl agrees as well then proceeds to
invite boy for weekend to go out & see a work collegue's band @ a show.
Boy accepts, packs his shit gets his ass over to her place.

So far so good. Here's the part that bothers me. Boy tags along with
girl & her male best friend to another friend's house party. Now, boy is
not threatened by mbf at all, is more concerned by lack of any verbal
communication between him and mbf so during house party, boy felt like a
fucking third to girl and mbf as they share a long friendship together
and I'm pretty much an outsider. Neither mbf or girl make any effort to
make boy feel not so goddam left out.

Boy heads back to girl's place, sort of expecting all this talk about
affection to magically appear. But magic is not in the air and boy &
girl don't so much as brush up against each other despite sharing the
same bed.

Next day is spent watching TV and barely talking between each other
leaving boy feeling like he was in the relationship he just got out off
all over again.

Boy ditches rock show plans to pack his shit & head back home under what
seemed like girl's blank uninterested stare.

Boy heads home and has been feeling 17 times more confused than he
already is since and quite frankly deceived by this fucked up turn of
events.

Now. My current requirements are a quick fix of affection and possibly
sex if it rears its lustful head out of its hole ( no pun intended ) for
a few nights.

But this girl that I absolutely adore, admire and feel inexorably
drawned to is just not supplying me with ANYTHING worth while so I've
barely spoken to her in almost a week now. I miss her terribly. I miss
her as much as I'd like to slap the living daylights out of her.

I can understand not wanting what you want in a man after the last one
wrecked you morally but unless she seeks professional help, she's going
to end up with any random bastard who will use her and abuse her and she
frankly deserves a hell of a lot more.

She deserves someone who can help her through tough times. Someone
who'll love her when no one else will, who will be there when all her
other so-called friends won't. Someone like me. But her
too-fucked-up-to-know-what-I-want-right-nowedness just makes it
impossible for me to get within 100 feet of her inner emotional core.

I'm not expecting her to understand but its a small leap of faith that
can pay off big. Not only that but what does she have to lose ? She's
already fucked up, it can't get any worse. I've done nothing but be
positive and sweet and managed to scare her off nonetheless.

I feel I shouldn't treat women the way they deserve to be. This opens up
too many avenues as " friend " instead of romantic involvement. I know I
should continue this path but fuck, I'm 34 and I still haven't found "
the one for me ". Not asking for the sun and the moon, just someone who
can give me as much I can give her. Either I give too much to women or I
should lower my standards still.

At this point, if you have any input, feel free to comment on this post.
I could use it. Thanks !

Much love to anyone who reads this.
Xxoxoxo

Marty

posted by Your humble servant @ 2:22 AM