Confusing times ( the Return of the Great Void )

Current Mood : Confused
Current Music : Chemical Brothers - Push The Button LP

You can tell I've had some stuff to tend to. This blog & about one
gazillion usual things in my life took the backburner these past few
weeks for an event that has changed my life forever if we consider
alternate universes and such.

These past few weeks were in fact exclusively devoted to pain, grief,
hurt and the great big black void in head called confusion for I ended a
7 year relationship with my now-ex girlfriend. Despite numerous attempts
and self-questioning regarding this whole issue, the conclusion was
always the same : I am not happy. Now I know a lot of people would ask
me if it's that I am unhappy with HER or of being in a relationship in
general. I couldn't answer this question.

Like many human beings in today's society, I am emotionally unstable.
Combine this with my compulsive tendency to overanalyse every aspect of
my existence ( among other things : relationships ) and you have guy who
does not really know what he wants but he's absolutely certain of what
he DOESN'T want. That certainty brought me to terminate a relationship
which stretched out too long in my opinion.

For a number of months, if not years, I convinced myself I was just
depressed and needed to let it go and it would go away. It did work
itself out most of time : after the depression is gone, you feel less
unhappy about being unhappy so you find a way to appreciate what you
have. But even that doesn't compensate for what more you could have and
how you wouldn't have to fight bouts and bouts of depression with a
girlfriend just as depressed, if not more, than you are.

If I am to have a girlfriend, I'd like her to be more of an optimist
than I could ever be. That should help me look at life with a fresher
unjaded perspective. You know, to be able to just stare at flowers and
appreciate their beauty without analyzing shit about photosynthesis
because all I can think of is the girl in my arms next to me telling me
a story about a valley filled with flowers in which we would live
happily.

Romantic stuff like that which I clearly haven't been getting in my life
so far. I want to FEEL loved, not it being said to me out loud. I want a
woman to show me how she loves me just by the caresses she applies on
me, the way she looks at me with star-filled eyes...

Well, enough of that. I shouldn't really ponder on what could've been
and go on trying to make something out of my so-called life.

Will update sooner, I promise.

posted by Your humble servant @ 9:13 AM